As I scrolled through the momentous Cape Town marches
I halted at an image of a poster…
It read:
“We can’t breathe”
That black ink etched onto a piece of cardboard gave voice to my churning heart:
I can’t breathe!

You see, fear sneaks in and snakes it’s way around my emotional airway,
Edging out the life-giving hope and courage I so desperately need.

I can’t breathe.

When I heard name, after name, after name read out onto Joburg’s airwaves
Women who have been silenced in death by abuse and rape
When I heard the voices on radio give voice to their suffering, give voice to their needless end – give them BACK their voice.
The tears flowed, and so my lungs tightened
As the hurt seeps out
So does my breath

I can’t breathe!

As I’ve watched the hashtags morph and change I’ve felt disgust and hope, fear and courage.
All this back and forth
It’s knocked the breath right out of me.

I can’t breathe.

When I think about my girls
Raising them here.
Their future, their safety, their innocence.
That slippery snake of anxiety slithers through to squeeze and suppress
To choke my vision
To paralyze my hope.

I can’t breathe!

But I know the one whose breath is in my lungs
When I can’t find the air, I know He’s closer than even that!
I know the One who knows the end
I know the One who knows every story.
I know Him well.
His name is Jesus!

I still can’t breathe.
I’m not sure I can just go back to breathing easy when I see all that surrounds.
I’m not sure I should be expected to.

But.
But, even though I cannot breathe
I will open my lips
Lift up my chin
And I will sing.
I will sing to the One who can breathe for me
I will sing to the only One who knows every name
I will sing to the One that loves me
And,
I will sing to the only One that can change a nation

As my chest constricts
My voice will rise
Even if it’s a whisper,
I will offer it.
Because if I lose my voice too, what good is that?

If I lose my breath,
I lose my beating heart.
My heart beats for this nation.
It beats for a better, brighter future for women in our land.
My heart beats to see justice
My heart beats to experience freedom for women, and children and foreigners among us.
My heart still beats.

So while I can’t breathe,
I will still sing
I will still speak
And I know,
I’ll find breath in my lungs once again.