As my eldest has stretched out of last season’s clothes and into her new phase of way more emotional and situational acumen than I thought possible. And as she has stretched me to my limits with her emotions, her defiance, her very-normal-four-year-old behaviour I have found my guilt grow apace. Guilt at how I handle her and all of her big emotions. Guilt when she tells me my shouting is unkind. Guilt as I work longer than I need to, than I should. Guilt when I feel my rough edges rubbing up against my husband, my youngest, and even the puppy. Guilt when I react and don’t respond. Guilt when I read others’ journey and how I am missing the intentional parenting train to brilliant children. I’m still in the station trying to figure out the basics – like where the heck did I put the ticket?

I know, I have never been here before. Never been this far. I know that in new, unchartered territory I probably won’t feel comfortable, settled and as “on the train” as I want to be. Is this it then? Is this how I feel forever, because truly, each day, I have never been this far with her. I guess that’s part of the marvel of a first child – they make you a mom. It just feels like they make you a mom, over and over and over again! A new kind of mom each season. A new kind of friend. A new kind of wife.

Patience is my thing… as in, its NOT my thing…not my strength, not my natural, not my daily. Its hard work. So, it’s become my thing. Patience is my thing. And so my patience is tested in each new phase with more vigour (and drama) than I can anticipate.

Part of my guilt-salve is to learn and re-learn patience. Everything is being worked together. For my good. But, and I pray this daily, more importantly for HER good. Patience will see me through the moments where I can’t see the end. Patience will teach me grace, mercy and joy in the tumult of the tantrums. Patience will win. Not the hot mess I have melting in front of me over a blown-away-balloon. Patience will endure. Not the moments where I snap and forget that I am *trying* to be the “fun mom”. Patience will teach. Not my words, not my flaring anger. Patience will teach – because patience is a thousand tiny times of re-living the same moment, each time trying to do it a little bit better. A thousand Next Right Things* and then a thousand more. Patience teaches because its the long-haul fight for a friend-filled (for her and me) future. Patience is my thing. Through the long nights, and the “one, two, three’s”.

Patience is my thing…as in, its not MY thing. It’s His. The Holy Spirit in me. Patience is HIS thing. It’s not in my strength, not in my natural… Patience is HIS thing. Patience is what He birthed in me when my babe came into this wide world. Before that even, patience is what He birthed in me when I called Him Saviour. Patience is HIS thing, and so I never want to let go of Him. I need Him. In my daily, in my crazy, in my guilt. Patience, mercy, kindness, compassion… those are HIS things for ME. Over and over and over again. I find grace in Him. I give grace. I give mercy, kindness, compassion because of Him. Now to be sure, there are many times I miss the boat or train or Uber or whatever it is these days. Still looking for my ticket, I have barked, or berated. But, patience is His thing and He’s gloriously, tenderly, miraculously patient with me. Giving me moment after moment to stop and see… I haven’t missed the ride, and there’s a tiny hand in mine with eyes locked to the million moments of joy, friendship and future ahead.

*The “Next Right Thing” is Dalene Reyburn’s incredible, beautiful revelation-filled idea (I don’t want to take it as my own). You can read her writing here.