I hope you don’t mind me writing this to you. I hope it’s ok that I vent my fears to you in this way. That I spread my hands on the table and show you all my cards, the emotions I have pent up inside me, because I don’t know where else to put them. I hope it’s ok to even voice these worries, these tender trepidations of the future.

I fear for my friendships. What I want is life-long, steady, beautiful friendships. Built with honesty and joy and love. Friendships as wide and sturdy as bridges. Not the flimsy kind, but the 6-lane-highway kind of iconic bridges. That’s what I want! And you know what? That’s what I have!

For the longest time I found myself trapped in toxicity. When I found freedom from that I realised what kind of life-giving friendships I could have. The kind I longed for. I prayed for that. So hard! I whispered pitiful prayers in the lonely hours. Asking God for a miracle I never thought I deserved. And you know what else? I got it! Pressed down and shaken together – or however the saying goes. God poured lavishly into my life, friendships of consequence and love and kindness. Kindness for my soul. I have deep, real, genuine friends that I can’t imagine my life without.
And then… change.

I always say that I love change. And it is true, but when the real rubber of change begins to hit the real surface of the longer distance road – I am not so sure about my love for change anymore! Still, I do revel in the change of a season, the new, the fresh. It is spacious and glorious and lovely. The only squeaky part of rubber on this road as we turn the corner right now, is my fear for my friendships.

I am so afraid I will lose the friendships I have been given so freely and generously. The friendships I have spent so many years investing, pouring and loving into. They have healed my soul, given me laughter and peace. God filled my lonely hours with memes and Whatsapp groups and tears and conversations and hilarity and adventure and mundanity.
And I know (I KNOW) that God can and will do it again. He will always be faithful to sow friends into my life. I know (I KNOW) that I need to dig wells of community here where I am, not always pining for the “good ‘ole days”. I know all of this. YET… I also know that no matter how much water is at the bottom of the wells I dig, I (desperately) want these friendships I have right now, to be lifelong friendships of endless capacity. I know (I KNOW) that some friendships will give way, change and grow indifferent. Not for fault, but just for time. But there are a few that I can’t bear to lose. Change, if they must. But lose, I cannot!

I don’t care if we live 20 minutes or 20 thousand hours away, I want to find solace in these humans that have seen my inside and love me anyway. I want them to know that no matter what, how many days or hours have passed, I am here, the same as always or vastly different – but still here, for them.

I miss the days of after-work catch ups and easy-living. It almost seems frivolous now to think how unintentional I was. And on the other side of the fence – where the grass is greener between my toes – I realise how hard I am willing to work to make this work. But what if?

What if rifts form from time and unspoken disappointment?
What if we just drift. No reasons. No recon. Just drift…

But, oh!

What if! What if we sift out our friendships to their very finest pieces of sparkling sincerity! What if, when we meet we are sifted down to our most bare, and real parts? What if we find a way to make the bridge sturdy and steady, spanning decades and continents, time zones and families. What if our bridges reach past hurt and time-passed into always-there-for-you kind of conversations that happen face to face or face to screen? Is it possible?

My prayers of those lonely hours beckon me to believe that God can do what I think I can’t. That He can bolster the bolts on this bridge and hold her steady while the winds of change swish around and blow heavy on my heart. He can tether us together through trauma and tender fears so that we neither drift nor shift away from one another in heart or kindness. He will sift us to our most beautiful refined version of friendship that loves without hook or intention. And I know (I KNOW) that He will level the peaks and valleys so that no rift would form between us as we each forge our own path in this life. Together, yet separate…always linked.

I hope it’s ok that I have blurted my fears here in this space. Read aloud, I feel I might sound a little melodramatic! But I want to be, NEED to be real – with you, my friend, or maybe just myself. I need to write it out so that I can think it through and fight for my faith. For what I believe in. And that is; friendships that belong in Heaven’s movies. Friendships that bridge all versions of life to hold us steady through each new dawning season.

I hope it is ok, what I have said. But most of all, I hope we all find friendships just like these!